Books:
If We Were Villains by M. L. Rio
OMG did I fucking hate/DNF this so hard. WTF with critics adulating a genre book just because it has the trappings of “literary,” in this case (as opposed to the Greek case in its Donna Tartt progenitor The Secret History (true story: I thought that book sucked)) Shakespeare. To be clear, literally - and in this case I may actually mean literally to mean literally as opposed to its current meaning where literally refers to how something feels as opposed to what something is, kind of defeating the purpose of the word, but as I'm literally-in-its-actual-meaning guilty of doing it too can I really judge? - 20% of the book was Shakespeare. Not about Shakespeare - that was about another 40% - but taking actual scenes and text from his plays and sticking them verbatim into the book as character dialogue. I mean, I CAN'T EVEN! Oh BTW, this POS is supposed to be a mystery. Once again, non-Janice critics are THE WORST!
The 7 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton
I really wanted to like this one because it was described as “Groundhog Day meets Agatha Christie.” Sounds fun right? Sadly the writer failed to recognize that “dark characters” is not, in fact, a substitute for “plot” especially in a crime novel. I think it’s fair to say that the most intriguing part of this book was the deep mystery surrounding the publisher’s decision to title the British version with 7 Deaths and the US version with 7 1/2 and I’m guessing the solution to that mystery is about as riveting as the ending in this turd. I finished it but was irritated the entire time, a review that equally applies to how I feel after cleaning my bathroom so do with that what you will.
TV/Streaming:
Black Sun:
Don’t let it be said I’m not an optimist because despite all warning signs to the contrary (i.e. the fact that all the IMDB reviews were clearly paid for and written by people for whom English was neither a first nor second language), I tried to watch this Peaky Blinders-y 1920’s Balkans sweeping (in its mind) historical mystery/drama but, as with Peaky Blinders, it was just fucking boring and, unlike with Peaky Blinders, lacked the Tom Hardy level eye candy necessary to keep a Janice going for more than an episode before DNFing.
Terrace House: Boys and Girls in the City:
This reality show - basically The Real World but in Japan - is insanely slow by Kardashian standards (honestly, by any standards) yet deeply hypnotic with all the am-I-sleeping-or-not that hypnosis implies. I mean how many shows give you the breathing space after, say, 15 episodes of not much happening not quickly, to have the realization that Japanese millennials embody all the characteristics and behavior of the guests at Jane Austen dinner parties and then give you another 30 episodes in which so little occurs that you can completely prove your thesis to yourself? For instance, one wonders if there’s any other way to make sense of polite, bland, naked, and hottubbed conversations all covering a seething rage of unexpressed emotions without reference to Jane Austen. Or the mental ease with which one can insert a “Thank you, vicar” at any point during the seemingly nonstop camera time spent on various housemates enthusiastically pretending the food another member cooked for them is amazing when it clearly isn’t (such pretense, btw, also being how we know none of the cast grew up in my, or any, Jewish household). Also, in that moment when the people on this show meet someone and instantly ask when their last relationship was, how old they are, and what they're looking for in a partner, can one think of anything other than the whirlwind of gossip surrounding the Dashwood sisters in Sense and Sensibility? And how about the weeks worth of private sidebar discussions with housemates leading up to asking a potential beloved if it’s okay to hold hands before formally asking said potential beloved with a literal, "Would you like to go out with me?" and then standing uncomfortably waiting for a response? Emma, anyone? And if all that doesn’t make my case, then how about the part directly out of Northanger Abbey where the show sporadically cuts to Japanese commentators in oversized brightly-colored knits who analyze all the social interactions and make fun of the cast to a laugh track with like 400 more people on it than could possibly fit in the room? The show manages to be mind-bogglingly dull, soothing, and insane all at once and TG there are like 5 seasons of it. Also, any universities looking to award me a PhD in, well, anything really for the above review should feel free to reach out.
Full Bloom (Season 1):
This is a flower arranging competition show and it was a’ight. On the one hand it’s cool to see the creative arrangements the florist competitors come up with; on the other, the judges were dull (by which I mean they were OTT but in a way we’ve seen a million times before) and I thought Big Flower Fight on Netflix had tougher challenges, bigger reveals, and better judges. Mmmmmm, Janice, hang on: mirror, do I need to be concerned about the fact that I have enough depth in my floral competition reality shows to be able to make that statement? No, says mirror, you’re insanely hot! Awww, blushing emoji to mirror.
Movies:
There is No I in Threesome - this is an abominable documentary oh fuck it was so fucking bad and dumb (oops sorry my fury got away from me for a minute) about an engaged couple in an open relationship. It's just unthinkably atrocious, like everything that makes - I'm not sure of the category - "personal exploration" documentary work (think Sherman's March) is an utter failure here, and a fucking boring one at that despite the seemingly sex-ay topic, because it all adds up to zero. The filmmakers have zero to say on the subject of open relationships, zero drama, zero story (the amount of padding is shocking - there are actual and numerous scenes of the leads running around in fields), zero sense of how to structure narrative (see "zero story" from earlier in this sentence) and overall no reason to make this documentary other than the narcissism of putting themselves on camera. I don’t know what one calls the content distribution equivalent of the ‘90s nonstop-filler, 24/7ization of cable news, but the financing and release of this dizzump shows that whatever it’s called, we’re there.
Kingdom of Heaven - this is the tour de Ridley Scott from I don't know how long ago - the 3-hours-and-change director's cut mind you which was supposedly AFUCKINGMAZING according to all sources - and which turned out to be a Propofol-level soporific which couldn't be salvaged even by this effortless carpool-to-Crossfit-to-cocktails hair choice from Orlando Bloom:
Which looks like equally sensible and ready-to-go on this soccer ball:
DNF’ed – do yourself a favor and DNS.